Many relationship problems stem from poor communication. You cannot communicate effectively with your partner if you are continually checking your phone or are watching TV. Conflict is sure to arise if you do not have good listening skills and know how to actively respond to your partner, and more importantly, validate his/her concerns. Blaming is a sure-fire way to shut down communication, as is criticizing, belittling, being sarcastic or yelling. Often, a couple has spent years arguing, fighting, or even avoiding problems, but the inevitable occurs – someone reaches the end of their rope. Having a relationship is not easy. The divorce rate tells us that love is not enough; other factors are needed. The most important? Communication.

When it comes to our careers, we work hard, take training programs, sign up for courses, and attend conferences. For relationships, most do nothing, expecting it to all work out on its own. It is not uncommon for one partner to become bored or disconnected in the relationship or feel unfulfilled. This happens under several circumstances: if one person puts in an extraordinary amount of time at work and isn’t available to their partner, if you don’t have anything in common but your children, if you don’t do new and exciting things together, and more.

Most in-law problems seem to center around boundary issues and not respecting the daughter or son-in-law. This can cause tremendous stress in a relationship. Living in a multicultural city like Toronto often results in countries with two cultures, which can create friction with parents. If parents don’t approve of their son or daughter’s partner, trouble is inevitable. It is how their son or daughter responds to the problem that determine whether this issue will create a problem in their own relationship.

Many couples have a great relationship up to the birth of their child. Then some realize that they have different parenting styles and beliefs about how to raise and discipline a child. Often, their upbringings vary widely. Who’s right, who’s wrong, and how do you compromise? Inconsistency is very disruptive, discouraging and confusing for children. Couples counselling will help you sort it out. I follow an Adlerian model for parenting. I’ve used it extensively myself as have many of my clients, and it works! Another reason why it works is because it is a different model than most parents are even familiar with, so there is no bias on either side, and no “my way is the best way” arguments.

Divorce rates are skyrocketing, but what isn’t counted in the statistics is the common-law relationships that end. Many couples have children and don’t get married. The majority of these newly single parents will eventually get into a relationship, often with another single parent. While the couple may get along wonderfully, the same cannot always be said for the children of these parents. It’s especially difficult when both sets of children have to live together. The main issue is usually jealousy from children who have become accustomed to having a parent all to themselves.

Children from both sides may also be jealous of one another, perceiving the other side to have more than they have, whether it’s materialistic items, or the attention or affection – especially from their own parent. Often, a parent’s children feel betrayed when their parent shows affection to their partner’s child. They may feel resentful of the other parent and refuse to allow them to tell them what to do: “You’re not my parent!” Blended families who don’t blend well often break apart the relationship.

The divorce rate in Canada is over 50%. It is impossible, however, to get an accurate number of how many marriages fail, because not all failed marriages legally divorce. Sometimes one parent will move into another bedroom or to the basement, so they still have daily contact with their children. Or they live separately, but for some reason (often financial) they do not divorce. Many couples have children together but never tie the knot. None of these 3 scenarios will show up in the divorce statistics. The bottom line is that at least 1 in every 2 long-term relationships will break up.

Couples will often see me when they are separating or divorcing amicably to try to split as smoothly as possible, especially when children are involved. I also see individuals who are contemplating leaving their partner and need help in making that decision, or need help getting out of a bad relationship.

(see section on Sex Therapy)