Serious psychological or emotional injuries are similar to physical ones. In fact, we now know that the effect is often worse. When we don’t do anything about the abuse, hoping it will stop, or immobilized in fear, it often gets worse. What also becomes worse, for the victim and for any children involved, are lowered self-esteem, self-confidence, self-defeating patterns of behaviour (such as substance abuse), depression, illness and physical symptoms.

Victims of sexual abuse will almost always have problems with relationships years after the abuse has occurred. Most commonly, there will be a problem with some aspect of the sexual relationship. Some examples of problems are avoidance of sex, lack of intimacy, lack of interest in sex, rejection, “detachment” during sex, inability to orgasm, and lack of enjoyment during sex. There are also often problems with body image. Victims of sexual abuse often have trouble forming permanent relationships because of deep-set trust issues.

Sometimes, it isn’t until we get out of an abusive relationship that we realize just how abusive it was. In the past, many of us thought the only legitimate injuries were broken bones and bruises. In reality, emotional and verbal abuse can be even more damaging. When you’ve been physically scarred, it is clear that an injury has occurred. But when the assaults involve words or non-violent behaviour, it becomes less clear. We then tend to doubt ourselves. We minimize the effects, or we compare ourselves to others. Eventually, we might believe the abuser.

In most abusive relationships, anger is used as a means of control. Common with almost all abusive situations is the abuser isolates the victim from their support system (family, friends, colleagues, neighbours, etc.). Once alienated, they become even more vulnerable to the abusive partner and become anxious, walking on eggshells. Next is an insidious process whereby one’s self-confidence and self-esteem is gradually eroded. Depression and hopelessness often follow.

On occasion, the victim of abuse will tell their partner that they are leaving. Miraculously, the partner transforms into the person they originally fell in love with. They apologize profusely, promise to change, and beg for another chance. Relieved and grateful, the abused partner agrees to try again. But it won’t be long before the stinging remarks, manipulation, and abuse resumes. Sadly, this scenario often repeats itself multiple times before the partner comes to the realization (a lot of times only in psychotherapy sessions) that it isn’t going to change. This represents the classic cycle in abusive relationships, regardless of sexual orientation.

Getting out of an abusive situation is extremely difficult and requires a lot of planning and support. This goes beyond having someone come and pick you up with your belongings (although if you are in physical danger, this is imperative). A psychotherapist will help build your self-esteem and self-confidence so that you can leave the relationship and help you rebuild your life and set new, realistic goals for yourself and your family.

The next step in processing the abusive relationship is trying to make sense of it. Initially, it is shocking to acknowledge the abuse that one has tolerated. And it is profoundly humiliating to “think that I allowed myself to be treated like that!” But it doesn’t matter how intelligent or educated you are – that won’t protect you from abuse. A psychotherapist can help you see how you got into this situation in the first place so that you don’t get into another abusive situation again.

Whatever the explanation for getting stuck in an abusive relationship, it does not make us responsible for being abused. So, honour your hidden wounds. Tend to them and allow us to help you heal. Just because scars are on the inside, doesn’t mean they hurt any less. We offer 3 “lunch hour” appointments daily so that you can see us mid-day without your partner or boss knowing that you are coming for counselling. We have helped many abused partners gain the confidence to leave an abusive relationship and have supported them throughout their difficult journeys.